This has been a very difficult week for a lot of people. The news circuits have been broadcasting the tragic loss in Haiti for days and my heart…cannot process it. I am so thankful for the people who have reacted to the incredible need through prayer, awareness and fundraising. They really do need our help and our prayers.

I just can’t do it right now. Blog-friends, I am going to need your help because I just don’t have it in me right now.

This time last week, I was seven weeks pregnant. I’m not anymore.

My husband was on a hunting trip in the Midwest when the problems started. Never underestimate the power of having your husband around when these things happen. I am thankful that I had my mom with me; she was with me at the doctor and she was able to take Kelsey which allowed me time to process the information alone.

In that time alone, I started thinking logically.

God created the universe. He created man and He created woman. Which means that He created the reproductive system. Which also means that He knows how to fix it. Right?

So why doesn’t He?

Then my logic led me to a very philosophical theorem…the bigger picture, if you will. (You remember theorems from geometry class in high school…if X then Y.) If God created Adam then He could have created The Garden without the serpent. If God created the universe then He could have saved all of humanity without having to sacrifice His Son.

So why didn’t He?

I asked Him and here is what He said. (Not in an audible voice, mind you. He answered my questions in a very God-kind-of-way.) First of all, He told me to throw logic out the window. Then He told me that it wouldn’t have done any good.

What would it mean if God were this big, powerful being who stayed in Heaven and watched us from a distance? What if He made our lives so comfortable that we never needed anything? What if He didn’t send Jesus to the cross to pay for our sins?

I don’t know about you but my need for Him, my utter dependence on Him, is what makes me love Him so much. I need Him for my every breath. Whether that breath is happy or sad, I still need Him.

The fact that He could have saved humanity from the beginning without having to send His Son to the cross only makes Him that much more loving to me. He could have saved His own Son the suffering. But He chose to prove His love for us.

The cross gets my attention. A far-away God does not.

In the middle of this loss that I am experiencing, I am thankful that God didn’t create a perfect world without sin. I am thankful that He allows us to realize our need of Him. I am thankful that He is right here with me.

Don’t misunderstand…I am terribly sad. I don’t understand why this happened. I am super healthy and I have had a baby before. So this isn’t logical. But thank God for the things that are illogical.

Through this illogical mess, God showed me that He could have done things differently. He could have…but He didn’t because He loves us that much.