The truth is that I am a terrible liar. Maybe I was a good liar when I was 16 but I am not good at it now. Which is why I haven't blogged in a while.
The truth is that this week has been less than fabulous.
You may remember back in January I wrote about our loss. Since the miscarriage, I have had a hard time staying well. I couldn't recover from a simple oral surgery; I had a sinus infection/sore throat for weeks; I started running a low-grade fever in the evenings; I was tired...just tired.
Last week, I realized I was **late**
As in two weeks late.
As in...maybe? Pregnant?
After several negatives, I finally got a very faint positive!
But...that was it.
Every test after that was negative and I was still **late** so I felt like something was wrong.
I called and made an appointment. Dreading the inevitable. My (new) doctor was great! He spent about two hours with me and figured it out.
The truth is that I wasn't pregnant this time. And the truth is that my body never recovered from the first time. Which makes sense...it explains why I stayed sick and was prone to infection. My body has been trying to convince itself that it was pregnant for the last 5 months. And what I thought was a second miscarriage was my body's way of finally healing.
(Guys, I know you are out there. I am sorry if this is too...personal. But it's...the truth.)
So I have been a little bummed out. I have been a little mad that my (old) doctor didn't catch this. I have been frustrated that this has gone on for five months.
The truth is that I was really let down and I knew I couldn't get online and pretend that everything was normal. I just needed to take time and process my emotions.
Now, the truth is...that I am better. Not 100% but definitley better than before.
I think, "Why did God allow me to lose a baby in January and then allow me to experience a pretend pregnancy in May?"
Then I think about all of the people in Nashville who recently lost their homes, their communities, their pets, their family members and even...their lives.
I think about moms and dads who are taking care of their sick children.
I think about moms and dads who have had to bury their children.
I think about Paul who was innocent but was put in prison for teaching people about Jesus.
And the truth is...I don't have it so bad.
Philippians 3:10 says, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death," (NIV).
It's so much more than that, though. I don't just want to fellowship His sufferings. I want to rejoice with Him one day...forever.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
The events of the last five months have been allowed by God and it will work out for His good. It might not be what I wanted or planned but I believe it will end up far greater than I ever imagined.
The truth is that He will get the glory.
The truth is that He deserves the glory.