Monday, May 24, 2010

The truth is...

The truth is that I am a terrible liar.  Maybe I was a good liar when I was 16 but I am not good at it now.  Which is why I haven't blogged in a while.

The truth is that this week has been less than fabulous. 

You may remember back in January I wrote about our loss.   Since the miscarriage, I have had a hard time staying well.  I couldn't recover from a simple oral surgery; I had a sinus infection/sore throat for weeks; I started running a low-grade fever in the evenings; I was tired...just tired.

Last week, I realized I was **late**

As in two weeks late.

As in...maybe?  Pregnant?

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After several negatives, I finally got a very faint positive!  

But...that was it.

Every test after that was negative and I was still **late** so I felt like something was wrong. 

Again.

I called and made an appointment.  Dreading the inevitable.  My (new) doctor was great!  He spent about two hours with me and figured it out. 

The truth.

The truth is that I wasn't pregnant this time.  And the truth is that my body never recovered from the first time.  Which makes sense...it explains why I stayed sick and was prone to infection.  My body has been trying to convince itself that it was pregnant for the last 5 months.  And what I thought was a second miscarriage was my body's way of finally healing.

(Guys, I know you are out there.  I am sorry if this is too...personal.  But it's...the truth.)

So I have been a little bummed out.  I have been a little mad that my (old) doctor didn't catch this.  I have been frustrated that this has gone on for five months.

The truth is that I was really let down and I knew I couldn't get online and pretend that everything was normal.  I just needed to take time and process my emotions.

Now, the truth is...that I am better.  Not 100% but definitley better than before.

I think, "Why did God allow me to lose a baby in January and then allow me to experience a pretend pregnancy in May?"

Then I think about all of the people in Nashville who recently lost their homes, their communities, their pets, their family members and even...their lives. 

I think about moms and dads who are taking care of their sick children.

I think about moms and dads who have had to bury their children.

I think about Paul who was innocent but was put in prison for teaching people about Jesus.

And the truth is...I don't have it so bad.

Philippians 3:10 says, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death," (NIV).

It's so much more than that, though.  I don't just want to fellowship His sufferings.  I want to rejoice with Him one day...forever.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

The events of the last five months have been allowed by God and it will work out for His good.  It might not be what I wanted or planned but I believe it will end up far greater than I ever imagined.

The truth is that He will get the glory.

The truth is that He deserves the glory.

9 comments:

  1. I agree that there are horrific and sad stories of suffering all over the world, but a miscarriage is a terribly sad and real loss and I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. It seems like I've needed this verse a lot lately, so hopefully it will help "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14. I'll be praying for you, for God's peace and healing.

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  2. many many *hugs* ! Been thinking about you a lot lately, glad you're on the road to recovery!

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  3. ((hug))

    I am so sorry Erin. It is still heartbreaking all the same. I am so glad your new doctor worked with you to find out what was going on and this is just the first step in your healing. Praying for you.

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  4. I'm sorry. I can only imagine the pain you are going through...hang in there.

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  5. Wow...I could not have said it better myself. I think..ahem, I know that God brought us back in contact after years of "lost touch". I am feeling your pain and grieving with you. I am also rejoicing that we BOTH know there is a reason, even though we don't understand it. God is wonderful is spite of the hurt and I am praying for you today!! Love you!! I know God has great things in store for the both of us and I can truely say I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING...and so does God. He is able and I am thankful to know and see that even in these hard time. Love you!
    Jennifer Mc

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  6. Sweet Erin... I am praying and have missed talking with you. I am so glad you are simply clinging to the One who brings hope and whose plan is soveriegn, even when it might seem cruel to us.

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  7. wow. i am so sorry for your loss and the obvious hurt that you are experiencing. i have had two friends have miscarriages in the last six months. It's a hard thing.
    I love your perspective on things. Hang in there!!!
    Great post.

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  8. i'm so sorry...but can't help but think this is preparing you for something great soon...

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