I have been in a pretty dark place lately. I am not going to lie. And when I realized just how dark it was around me, I began to feel things a little differently. Since you can’t see in the dark…it’s all about what you feel.

People usually associate darkness with evil, loneliness, scariness, danger. It makes sense because the dark is…well, dark. I can understand why people who are going through trials refer to these times as dark times. We can’t see what’s coming. We keep looking for something and we are scrambling for something {anything} to hold on to but it just doesn’t come.

If we would just stop looking and scrambling and just be still, then we would feel it.

We would feel that the darkness consuming is not always evil. It is not always lonely. It is not always scary. It is not always dangerous.

There is a darkness where the children of God can find rest. It is a beautiful darkness.

It is the shadow of the cross.

In the middle of going through this last trial, I just felt so helpless. I felt guilty and I was definitely sad. As I have mentioned about a billion times before, God speaks to me through music. It seemed like every song I heard during this time referenced the cross; the suffering of Christ and how he lived His life in the shadow of the cross.

Compared to what I was going through, the cross just seemed so big. So definite. So final. So harsh. So cruel. So…not what He deserved.

He suffered the ultimate death so that I could have life. He wants me to rest in that knowledge. I can rest in Him.

I started to think about my trial just a little bit differently. I looked at the darkness around me and rather than looking around and scrambling for something…I looked up and saw the cross. I was closer to Him than I had ever been before. It was dark but not hopeless.

All of a sudden, I felt like I was in a very sacred place. I was not in the kind of place where I could complain. It was the kind of place where I could feel His suffering which caused my suffering to melt away.

I am so thankful for the cross and I am even more thankful that I can rest in it’s shadow. My darkness is beautiful and it is all because of Him.

I know that I am not the only person going through trials right now.  I beg you...stop searching.  He is right there.  Already in your darkness waiting on you to rest in Him, too.

The last week has been like a roller coaster for me. I never knew suffering a miscarriage could wreak so much havoc on a woman’s body. Emotions up and emotions down. Laughter and tears. Hunger and nausea. Questions and thankfulness. Sleepiness and restlessness.
My head knows that God is in control and I promise that He is giving me strength to deal with this situation. I am not devastated. I am sad but not overwhelmed. However, my body has not thought this thing out yet.

Would someone please tell my hormones that I am ok? Because they keep trying to freak me out.  My hormones want me to be guilty for moving past this experience.  They tell me that if I go back to work and smile then I am betraying that little bitty baby that I had for 7 weeks.  I know that's not the truth and I keep telling the Devil to stay away from my hormones.  Maybe Week Two will be a little easier and my body can get caught back up with my head. 

I am actually really excited! I am excited that God loves me enough to reveal Himself to me. I am excited to get past this phase and move on to the next phase in my life. I am excited to try again for a baby.

I am also really thankful. Rather than dwelling on what was taken from me, I am focusing on what I have and what I have learned so far. If you don’t mind, I would really like to share some of that with you right now.

This has been a very difficult week for a lot of people. The news circuits have been broadcasting the tragic loss in Haiti for days and my heart…cannot process it. I am so thankful for the people who have reacted to the incredible need through prayer, awareness and fundraising. They really do need our help and our prayers.

I just can’t do it right now. Blog-friends, I am going to need your help because I just don’t have it in me right now.

This time last week, I was seven weeks pregnant. I’m not anymore.

My husband was on a hunting trip in the Midwest when the problems started. Never underestimate the power of having your husband around when these things happen. I am thankful that I had my mom with me; she was with me at the doctor and she was able to take Kelsey which allowed me time to process the information alone.

In that time alone, I started thinking logically.

God created the universe. He created man and He created woman. Which means that He created the reproductive system. Which also means that He knows how to fix it. Right?

So why doesn’t He?

Then my logic led me to a very philosophical theorem…the bigger picture, if you will. (You remember theorems from geometry class in high school…if X then Y.) If God created Adam then He could have created The Garden without the serpent. If God created the universe then He could have saved all of humanity without having to sacrifice His Son.

So why didn’t He?

I asked Him and here is what He said. (Not in an audible voice, mind you. He answered my questions in a very God-kind-of-way.) First of all, He told me to throw logic out the window. Then He told me that it wouldn’t have done any good.

What would it mean if God were this big, powerful being who stayed in Heaven and watched us from a distance? What if He made our lives so comfortable that we never needed anything? What if He didn’t send Jesus to the cross to pay for our sins?

I don’t know about you but my need for Him, my utter dependence on Him, is what makes me love Him so much. I need Him for my every breath. Whether that breath is happy or sad, I still need Him.

The fact that He could have saved humanity from the beginning without having to send His Son to the cross only makes Him that much more loving to me. He could have saved His own Son the suffering. But He chose to prove His love for us.

The cross gets my attention. A far-away God does not.

In the middle of this loss that I am experiencing, I am thankful that God didn’t create a perfect world without sin. I am thankful that He allows us to realize our need of Him. I am thankful that He is right here with me.

Don’t misunderstand…I am terribly sad. I don’t understand why this happened. I am super healthy and I have had a baby before. So this isn’t logical. But thank God for the things that are illogical.

Through this illogical mess, God showed me that He could have done things differently. He could have…but He didn’t because He loves us that much.

Happy New Year! Yes. It’s a week late and I’m sorry. I haven’t blogged in a week but I have been reading all of your fabulous New Year’s Resolutions. I wish you all the best of luck as you reach whatever goal you have set for 2010.

If you read this blog regularly, then you know how much I love music. Sometimes, I hear a song and its words perfectly describe a feeling that I cannot adequately express. It warms my heart and it speaks to my soul. Musical worship, in my opinion, is the closest that we can get to Heaven here on Earth.

So it is probably no surprise that my New Year’s Resolution is based music.

Leeland’s “Follow You” (with special guest Brandon Heath) from the Love Is on the Move album sums it up. My goal is to live in a way that would be more pleasing to God. More specifically, to look outside the four walls of my life and reach out to people who need a helping-hand.

Here are some of the lyrics from “Follow You:”


Matthew 25:45 says that whatever we don’t do for strangers, for the sick or for prisoners is also what we don’t do for Christ.

And all this time I thought I was doing pretty good...

God gives us talents and it is up to us to use them in a way that pleases Him. If you think that you don’t have a talent, volunteer at your local food bank one Saturday. Or offer to start a game night at the nursing home and take some of your friends. Or eat lunch with the one person in the office who usually eats alone. It doesn’t take money and sometimes, it doesn’t even take much time.

It takes observation and effort. I am not very good at this. I get very wrapped up in the routine of my life and I miss opportunities to do His work. I get tired. I get frustrated because I had a bad day at work. I still have to do laundry. And cook dinner. And clean the kitchen. And then do it all again tomorrow. It’s exhausting.

The truth is that even my worst days are filled with blessings. I have a job. I have a family. We have food. We have clean water. We have electricity. We have so much to be thankful for and I want to do a better job of remembering.
I want to do a better job of really seeing the people around me and anticipating what their needs might be. This reminds me of the song “Hosanna” by Selah from the album, You Deliver Me. The words from the bridge of this song speak to me in way that I feel like have to answer. It’s almost like God is telling me that THIS is what he wants for me. Read these words: