One of the boys in my youth group eluded to the fact that I am an airhead sometimes.  (He actually said I was an Undercover Blonde but since I have really smart friends who are natural blondes, I won't go there.  And he actually didn't elude to it...he just came right out and said it.)

He is right, though.  I am gullible and sometimes dingy...but I think it is a good quality.  At least I have the ability to laugh at myself. 

You are dying to know why I am saying this, right? 

I knew it.

How many of you fabulous people knew that The The David Crowder Band did not actually pen "How He Loves?"    It really is one of my favorite songs of all time.  I've felt this connection with DC*B because the lyrics are honest and raw and clearly come from someone who has experienced "afflictions eclipsed by glory."

But alas, just because an artist sings it does not mean that said artist also WROTE IT!

(Insert dingy joke here.)

This discovery in no way diminishes my utmost respect and obsession appreciation for The David Crowder Band.  Not. At. All.

After a quick Google search, I found that the song was really written by John Mark McMillan. 

If you like this song, please click over to his site and watch the video on why he wrote it.  I promise it will not disappoint.

(I will wait patiently right here while you watch the 5 minute video.)

Did you catch the difference in the lyrics?  We'll get to that in just a minute.

I love how he said that the word LOVE can mean so many things and that as a result, it really doesn't mean anything at all anymore.  It has become a word that we just throw around like a high-five. 

Then he talks about losing his good friend in a car accident and he was mad...at God.  The LOVE he sings about isn't tied up in a pretty package; it isn't cute; it isn't popular.  It comes from a place of intense sadness and hurt.  Yet, through that hurt and despite our anger, God loves us right where we are. 

The orignal lyric was changed when DC*B covered this song on the album, Church Music.  That is also something I learned today.  The second verse was written to say:


A sloppy wet kiss.  Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss.  How do you feel about that?  Do you still love the song?

'Cause I do.  Maybe even more as if that were possible.

You may be asking what he meant by those words.  He does a great job of explaining it here (see the last full paragraph). 

But I get it.  McMillan says, "the kingdom of heaven and the kingdom of earth converge in a way that is both beautiful and awkwardly messy." 


Who has ever been kissed by a two year old?  Didn't you love it...but wasn't it sloppy?  If that two year old was your own child, you probably live for those kisses.  You don't critique your child for showing affection the only way he knows how.

How much more should this concept apply to our Heavenly Father.  He meets us right where we are. 

Angry.
Hurt.
Frustrated.
Messy.

And it is through those feelings that we begin to feel the pure, unconditional, bigger-than-we-could-ever-imagine love of God.

He loves us; oh, how He loves us.

(John Mark McMillan is from Charlotte, NC and his album,  The Medicine comes out in July 2010.)

The truth is that I am a terrible liar.  Maybe I was a good liar when I was 16 but I am not good at it now.  Which is why I haven't blogged in a while.

The truth is that this week has been less than fabulous. 

You may remember back in January I wrote about our loss.   Since the miscarriage, I have had a hard time staying well.  I couldn't recover from a simple oral surgery; I had a sinus infection/sore throat for weeks; I started running a low-grade fever in the evenings; I was tired...just tired.

Last week, I realized I was **late**

As in two weeks late.

As in...maybe?  Pregnant?

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After several negatives, I finally got a very faint positive!  

But...that was it.

Every test after that was negative and I was still **late** so I felt like something was wrong. 

Again.

I called and made an appointment.  Dreading the inevitable.  My (new) doctor was great!  He spent about two hours with me and figured it out. 

The truth.

The truth is that I wasn't pregnant this time.  And the truth is that my body never recovered from the first time.  Which makes sense...it explains why I stayed sick and was prone to infection.  My body has been trying to convince itself that it was pregnant for the last 5 months.  And what I thought was a second miscarriage was my body's way of finally healing.

(Guys, I know you are out there.  I am sorry if this is too...personal.  But it's...the truth.)

So I have been a little bummed out.  I have been a little mad that my (old) doctor didn't catch this.  I have been frustrated that this has gone on for five months.

The truth is that I was really let down and I knew I couldn't get online and pretend that everything was normal.  I just needed to take time and process my emotions.

Now, the truth is...that I am better.  Not 100% but definitley better than before.

I think, "Why did God allow me to lose a baby in January and then allow me to experience a pretend pregnancy in May?"

Then I think about all of the people in Nashville who recently lost their homes, their communities, their pets, their family members and even...their lives. 

I think about moms and dads who are taking care of their sick children.

I think about moms and dads who have had to bury their children.

I think about Paul who was innocent but was put in prison for teaching people about Jesus.

And the truth is...I don't have it so bad.

Philippians 3:10 says, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death," (NIV).

It's so much more than that, though.  I don't just want to fellowship His sufferings.  I want to rejoice with Him one day...forever.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

The events of the last five months have been allowed by God and it will work out for His good.  It might not be what I wanted or planned but I believe it will end up far greater than I ever imagined.

The truth is that He will get the glory.

The truth is that He deserves the glory.

I received a message via Facebook yesterday from I woman who does CrossFit with me.  We don't really know each other that well.  We don't hang out together outside of the gym.  I have no idea where she lives.  She doesn't reply often to my status updates and I rarely see updates from her so we haven't formed a social-networking relationship. 

Pretty much, we just work out together.

So I was a little surprised when I received a message from her and I was even more surprised when I read the message. 

She asked me to pray.  She found out over the weekend that her daughter (who I believe may be 17 or 18 years old) is pregnant and considering abortion.  She told me that she could tell that I was a Christian and that she needed all of her Christian friends to rally around her daughter and pray that she makes the right decision regarding the baby. 

I replied that I would pray and that I would share this prayer request with all my Christian friends (YOU!!!).  Will you please join me in praying for my friend's daughter.  I don't know her name and even if I did, I probably wouldn't use it.  God knows her, though.  Pray also that God would give my friend the words to say to her daughter; that He would guide their conversations and allow His grace and mercy to wrap around them both. 

So that's the not so cool thing.  You wanna know what the cool thing is?

She could tell that I was a Christian.

Me.

There are two reasons why this a pretty big deal.

First of all...have you ever heard of CrossFit?  It is pretty much the devil.  It's wild.  It's loud.  It's outta control.  It's one of the ways they train UFC fighters, I hear.  So when I am at CrossFit in between my deadlifts, pull ups, tire jumps and 400 meter sprints, I often say bad words.  I can't help it.  It just comes out.  It's not very Christian of me...I know.  (And I am working on that.)  So I run and sweat and lift and curse.  This is how my friend has come to know me.

Second, this might be the first time that someone from the real-world sensed that I was a Christian.  I didn't have to tell her.  She doesn't know me well-enough to know that I am active in church or that I have a serious passion for all-things-God.  She could just tell. 

That might not be a big deal to some of you suma cum-laude Christians.  (Yes, you know who you are.)  But in case you are wondering...suma cum-laude Christians are the ones who never "stole a pig" or had to "come to the end of himself."  I am envious of people who "got God" at a young age and didn't have to learn the hard way.  That is so admirable.  I flunked out of this Christianity thing a time or two and I am still not even close to graduation.

I used to be the girl you could count on to go to the bar and get hammered when you found out your boyfriend cheated on you.  I used to be the one who gave private lessons on the art of rolling the pefect joint.  I used to be angry all the time.  I used to hate police officers and preachers. 

I used to be a lot of things that I am not anymore.

And I am not saying this to glorify "self."  I am saying this for the glory of my God who loved me enough to pursue me despite all the things I used to be.  I am saying this to encourage those of you are in the throws of rebellion (or have kids who are).  I am saying this because God is the great redeemer and He can fix anything that is broken.

Phillipians 1:6 says that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." 

She saw Christ in me. 

She saw Christ in me.

That is so amazing to me...based on where I have been in the past.  It's almost unbelievable.  And if I didn't know that the author of this story happened to be the only uncreated one, I wouldn't believe it.

But it's all because of Him.

Will you please remember to pray for my friend and her daughter?

Who loves going to the bookstore?

Kelsey and I love it for sure.  Last Saturday, we decided to drop by the "big one" with the coffee shop in it.  (Of course, our town is too small for one of these grand stores so we stopped in while visiting family in SC.)  I could waste spend so much time walking up and down the aisles...picking up books...turning the pages...reading each cover...anxious to uncover the story inside each one. 

I decided that we could each get one book.  If I don't say those words aloud before we walk in, I will end up spending next week's budget on books, magazines, book marks and crossword puzzles. 

Kelsey found her favorite section in Youth Fiction and I made myself comfortable in Christian Inspiration. 

I immediatley saw books by so many people whose names alone trigger thoughts of our Savior: Meyer, Chan, Lucado, Lewis, Viola, Moore.  After more than 45 minutes of walking up and down a single aisle in the bookstore, I narrowed my search down to two must haves:  The Christian Athiest by Craig Groeschel and I Am Not But I Know I Am by Louie Giglio.

It's not even fair.  I have to go with Giglio.  (Although I must say that I have since read some amazing reviews on The Christian Athiest and CANNOT wait to read it next.  Have any of you read it?  What did you think??)

I Am Not But I Know I Am. 

That's a pretty busy sentence and I have to admit, I am not even finished with the book yet.  I am marinating in it; soaking in each page; underlining and highlighting as if my life depended on it. 

Giglio tells the story of Moses on the mountain when God appears in the form of the burning bush.  At the end of the encounter, Moses asks God what he should tell the people?  Who should he say he heard from on the mountain.  God's answer simply is, "I am."

"I am," in English translates to the verb be.  In other words, God just is. 

He is the beginning and the end.
He is the alpha and omega.
He is the creator.
He is the healer.
He is the pefect One.
He is...

And we are not. 

I can't wait to finish reading my book.  I think I know where it is heading and I will tell you more about it when I am done. 

But until then, I have already gotten so much from it. 

We all think we are so important with our families, our careers and our responsibilities.  I saw this so clearly at the airport this week when I was traveling for work.

The minute that the airplane hit the tarmac, people immediatley turned on their cell phones, iPhones and Blackberries and starting checking voicemail and email.  As if two hours away from email could cause the world to crash. 

I saw it in the terminal too.  People talking on their phones like the whole economy depended on that particular call.  They walk around in circles talking and making faces as if to illustrate their frustration at being stuck in a menial airport...but proud they can still work.  They see me watching and nod as if to say, "Don't worry; you'll thank me later for the very important decision I just made on this very important phone call becuase I am a very important business person."

I actually laughed.  No really...I laughed out loud. 

Then I got sad for them. 

I thought about how wrong they were.  Didn't they know?

Didn't they know that God was in complete control? 

He is.  His name is I Am, afterall. 

We are part of His plan...not the other way around. 
We need Him...not the other way around. 

He is fully able to accomplish the plan of our lives...whether or not we are at an airport terminal.

So the Dow dropped a staggering 1000 points in 15 minutes.  So there was a foiled terrorist attack in NYC.  So unemployment is outta control. 

He still is.

And we still are not.

No matter how many calls we take or how many emails we answer.

We still are not.

I am relieved that I don't have to be.  I am relieved that He knew me before the foundation of the Earth was laid. 

I am so relieved to know that He does not need to me but He wants me.

I Am wants me.

Me. 

Even though I Am Not.

Amazing.