Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Processing

Hey Ya'll!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Can we just take a moment and acknowledge that it's 9:00 and the baby is asleep?  Amen and thank you, Lord.  Usually her final bedtime is closer to 10:00 or 11:00.  Which means mom doesn't have any down time..between work full time and mommy-ing until 11:00.  It's a hot mess.

Never let it be said that parenting is easy. 

One other thing before I really start the point of this post.  Are any of you keeping up with Passion 2012 that's currently going on in Atlanta?  If you aren't, I highly recommend this link: http://live.268generation.com/.  Please click over and see the Good News that is happening...right now...for about 45,000 18-25 year olds.  You can catch Francis Chan, John Piper, Louie Giglio, Beth Moore and others.  It's pretty awesome.

So, the last six weeks have been pretty eventful and not just because of the holidays.  Right after Reese got her tubes (she is really doing great, ya'll.  We've had no issues since the procedure!!!), my grandfather passed away.

My dad's dad, John Yonish.

86 years young, he was a gunner in WWII.  The funeral was last week.  Dad and I sang Winter Snow because it was fitting to my grandfather's personality: quiet, soft, happy to stay in the background.  He lived in a nursing home about 8 minutes from my house.

And I never went to visit him.  Not once.

When my grandmother passed away, I was in the 6th grade.  She was awesome and I look eerily just like her.  After she went to be with the Lord, my grandpa just retreated into his own space.  I think he traveled and maybe even moved away for a short time.  As an adult, I can see that he was probably an introvert and really enjoyed his alone time.  As a kid, it seemed like he just disappeared from my life.

In his passing, I realized that I lost the opportunity to have a relationship with someone who probably had some really cool stories; who probably would have been ecstatic to see my kids; who probably would have loved to meet my husband; who probably would have loved me.

My absent relationship wasn't malicious.  I wasn't mad.  I wasn't hurt. 

I just...kind of...forgot he was down the road.

And that...kind of...breaks my heart.

Inside of my heart, I have been processing his passing.  I am sad for what I missed.  I feel guilty that I didn't pursue a relationship with him especially in his last several years.  I wonder if he was lonely. 

I have also been processing the fact that my dad lost his dad the week before Christmas.  That can't be easy. 

I thought it was pretty cool, though, that my grandpa got to be with Jesus on His birthday in Heaven.  I imagine that he and my grandma watched Him blow out his birthday candles together.

After 20 years apart, my grandparents are finally together again.  And regardless of what I missed, that reunion makes me happy.

My Alabaster Jar

2 comments:

  1. I sort of understand this....My Memaw was in a nursing home about 5 minutes from our home when she passed away. I would go visit but not very often because I struggled seeing her with the dementia and seeing the others in the nursing home. It made me uncomfortable. So I chose comfort over visiting her. When she passed away in 2010 I struggled with guilt and really had to pray to God about it. The death of someone we love always brings a time of pause and reflection.

    It's funny what we realize after the fact. I am so glad your Grandpa is reunited with his love :) There is such beauty in that!

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  2. Well you should have warned me that this was a tearjerker. I was very sad to hear about your grandfather and you guys have been on my mind & in my prayers. I love that you said he is having a reunion with your grandmother. That is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! :)

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